It doesn't get better until you leave

I was married to my dx wife for 23 years, and we have two kids. About a month ago, I finally ended it. As much as it hurts—and as scary as it might seem—I want to share this: if your ADHD partner is unwilling or unable to manage their symptoms in a way that supports the relationship, you may need to make the hard choice to leave. Once you do, things can and will get better.

For years, I struggled with the chaos: chronic lateness, overcommitment to extracurricular activities, lack of help with anything administrative—the list goes on. Over time, this wore me down. Think of it like a backpack each partner wears for the other. We all bring challenges into a relationship, adding some rocks to our partner’s pack. That’s normal—relationships involve shared burdens.

But with untreated or poorly managed ADHD, the rocks keep piling up. Your pack becomes so heavy that you can’t carry it anymore.

The day I finally said, "That’s it. This is over," surprised even me. It was a long time coming, but my inner voice—the part of me that looks out for my well-being—spoke up. Despite all the emotions and anxiety, I found the strength to say the words. I’m still not entirely sure how, but I’m glad I did.

If you’re hearing that inner voice, listen to it. It’s better to face the pain of separation now than to be buried under an unmanageable weight. Focus on yourself, your healing, and your future. You’ll get better. Sadly, I’ve realized that without a strong foundation, many ADHD partners in these situations don’t change—they carry their challenges into the next relationship.

Don’t let that person be you. Be brave. Prioritize your well-being. Let go, and trust that you’re making the right choice for your future.