What does a genuinely healthy age gap relationship feel like?

I (19m) have basically only been in one relationship that didn't work out, getting groomed twice, and potentially having been groomed again recently by a woman two decades my senior.

I feel like a broken fucking toy, like being used and thrown away is the single thing that I am good for.

Honestly I cannot even tell if she groomed me, but everyone in this subreddit and another one said that it was extremely alarming and concerning that she would take interest in me the way she did, and that she had used me.

Personally I have entirely given up trying to figure it out, because I know I'll be wrong regardless.

So I am practically begging when I ask this, what does actually healthy love feel like in an age gap relationship like this?

Because I have literally never felt it, and frankly I doubt I'm ever going to considering the only relationships I've ever been in I was being used.

I have lost any desire to try to be loved again, but I'm only attracted to women older than me. I feel hopeless and hate myself for being so easy to target.