I am NOT the Original Poster. That is bell_swords123. They posted in r/WhatShouldIDo

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Trigger Warnings: grooming; child sexual assault; victim blaming

Mood Spoiler: bad, but mom is protecting OOP and sis

Original Post: January 21, 2025

To be blunt, i noticed that my uncle, (49M), has been paying a lot attention to my sister, (14F). it's not just that he gives her more gifts or just prefers her, but whenever we show up to his house for a family event or just something similar, he always talks about how she looks and is always doing stuff like patting her lower back, rubbing her shoulders, or he'll grab her waist without warning, his gifts for her are also more expensive

it was fine at first, he was at my sister's birth and was one of the first to hold her, so shes always been his favorite to an extent and hes always spoiled her, but its like i blinked and hes suddenly acting like this. i dont know exactly when he started acting differently with her but i noticed it a week ago and we havent been to his house since then

ive tried talking to my grandma about it but she just brushes it off and my parents are always too busy, im also scared of telling our other extended family because of the fact my grandma brushed me off the first time. what should i do? cause i dont wanna just ignore it but im also scared of telling anyone else incase im overreacting

Edit- 1 hour later

EDIT: this isnt really an update but for the comments who asked, i havent talked to my sister about it yet but im planning to do so later, we're at our grandma's house right now and considering our grandma brushed off what i said, i dont want to cause too much of a fuss if she ends up hearing me bring it up again

im also planning to talk to our parents as soon as we get home, all your comments drilling it into my head that i had to tell them helped, thank you for helping me not be a coward and for your guys' support in general

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: Did you tell your parents?

OOP: ive tried, but they both work and are frequently out of the house so i havent been able to really talk to them about it

Commenter: Do you literally never see them? It only takes 30 seconds to tell them

OOP: they work in the early morning up until nighttime, im usually at school or on the weekends, at our grandma's house. its why i told our grandma first because i thought she would be able to tell my parents since theyd probably listen to her better than me

Commenter: are your parents... kind people? Do they have narcissistic tendencies?

I'm asking because I grew up with a mother that was not all there and definitely had narcissistic traits, perhaps leans towards schizoid, and a father that often tried to avoid all people and simply work and be alone alot of the time.

OOP: i dont really understand what you mean but my parents do work a lot and they arent abusive to me or my siblings, i just think theyre overworked and dont have the time to worry about us

Commenter: Just curious, how old are you OP? I’d rather say something and be wrong than not say anything and be right.

OOP: Im 16 and i agree, im just scared that i might be making a big deal out of nothing bc of what ive seen accusations like this do to people

Update Post 1: January 21, 2025 (13 hours later)

Hi, im not sure if im doing this correctly but ive seen people do updates this way before so ill just do it this way. first things first, thank you everyone for your comments and giving me advice

second, i talked to my sister as soon as we got home from our grandma's and turns out, shes aware that its weird but actually liked it at first, she said that our uncle is nicer to her than our parents and that the gifts are nice, she said that she only started feeling uncomfortable when he began to touch her (specific actions mentioned in my previous post) but that, because she's been accepting all his gifts for her, she thought it might be rude to start saying 'no' now. i asked her when it started and she revealed he started touching her in that way when she turned 12, she said that he only did it when they were in her room (since we visit so often, our uncle and aunt have set guest rooms for me and my siblings) and that that was the reason why she has no locks on her door specifically

she also said that she was scared of telling anyone that she was weirded out by his behavior because both our grandma and aunt brushed it off when she was 12, saying that shes always been his favorite and that she was probably just misreading everything he was doing because shes a teenager now

i showed her your comments, shes never heard of the word 'grooming' before so she was pretty shocked and a little angry, saying that our uncle would never do something like that but i managed to convince her to tell our parents about our uncle together, even if it was just to ask them to stop him from touching her

ive also sent texts to our parents about it, detailing that my sister is uncomfortable with how our uncle behaves with her but our parents have yet to respond to any of the texts ive sent about our uncle and have just texted that "we'll talk about it when we get home" theyre both working late today and wont be home by nighttime probably

OOP's Comment:

my sister said that she talked to our aunt about it but she brushed it off like our grandma did and im not sure if i should bring it up to her again, for the video recording, i dont want to let my sister be in a situation where she has to be touched again on purpose in order for us to get something but i also dont want to just say anything without having proof, im still figuring it out but thank you for the advice

Update Post 2: January 22, 2025 (Next Day)

im sorry if this isnt allowed moderators but im just really confused but also really angry right now and dont know how to fix that

our parents got home an hour ago and me & sister talked with them, in short, my mom was pissed and my dad was surprised but he also revealed something, turns out that he knew our uncle (his brother for context) had been acting weirdly with my sister but didnt do anything because he "didnt think he'd ever try anything with his kids" and that he thought he had changed

he said that our uncle had done something with one of my cousins a few years before my sister was born my grandma was the one who caught him and got him into therapy, our dad said that our grandma made our uncle promise not to do it again in order for them not to report him, our aunt (this specific uncles wife) is also aware of this but, according to our dad, she said that our cousin had tempted him with how she dressed around the house, our dad said thats why that specific cousin doesnt talk with the rest of the family

my mom apparently didnt know this and they argued, she threatened divorce and a restraining order against his entire family if our dad doesnt only tell our uncle to back off but also report him to the police, our dad doesnt want to and last i heard, hes calling our grandma

sorry that this is a complete mess, i dont know what else to do and im stressed out of my mind, my sister looks okay right now though so thats all that matters to me at the moment. it feels like my life is falling apart because of our uncle and at this point, im starting to feel like beating him up is the only way to fix everything i know thats its not and thats irrational but im just so angry.

i also mentioned telling the police or counselors at school like you guys said but she doesnt want to, she says shes embarrassed about it and she said that theyd just blame her cause she let it go for two years, even though i told her that she didnt do anything wrong and was just scared, she wouldnt budge

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: Do you have contact info for that estranged cousin? It might be helpful for your sister to speak to them about it.

OOP: i met that cousin only once and i was really young back then, i havent heard anything about her since aside from the info that our dad shared. im thinking of trying to contact her but i dont know how to do that

OOP replies to a longer Comment:

OOP: thank you, this calmed me down a little cause ive been tense since talking with our parents im sorry if i sounded really mad in my post. i dont know if anyone other than my dad, aunt and grandma know that our uncle is like that but i dont wanna risk telling any of them if they do

Update Post 3: January 25, 2025 (3 days later, 4 from OG post)

sorry i havent updated for a bit, a lot has been going on and ive been a little out of my mind trying to remember everything so i could put it down here. in short, my mom and dad are divorcing and my mom brought me and my other siblings, including my sister, back to her parents house for the time being until it goes through

my mom's parents are really old but theyre really fun so my sister and other younger siblings like being here even though everythings a big mess right now. nothing too big has happened but i want you guys to know that my mom signed my sister up for therapy, i told our mom about the fact my sister doesnt want to tell the police or anything and our mom is planning on telling the police herself. our mom is also trying to go through on the restraining order but its taking a while so shes trying for a temporary one for now until she can file out a permanent one

our mom and dad both worked full-time but now that my mom is taking care of five kids by herself while working, shes been really stressed out and tired, her parents help but like i said, theyre super old and cant really do much on their own. no information on our cousin at this point since our mom is super swamped

sorry this isnt a good update, i dont know whats been going on with our dad and his side of the family but our mom told us not to worry and that she'll handle it. thank you again for everyone who took the time to read my posts and give me advice, i think id be pretty helpless without it so thank you. this is just more of a 'life right now' kind of update than anything too big. im not too sure what to right now since our mom is trying to handle everything on her own so ill edit this post if anything comes up