I quit trying to be Catholic because of these things

Before I mention, I should say I was raised Catholic and left several times, reverted a few times. I've asked a lot of questions on here before and sometimes I got helpful responses.

1: I don't believe in prayer. That used to be my #1 thing, I used to take that very seriously. I'd like to believe, and I respect people who believe and find meaning in it, but eventually I just had to stop asking for things. It wasn't like I was asking for myself all the time, most of the time it was prayer intentions for another person or cause. Prayer didn't bring me closer to God in the long run, it seemed like a short lived high at best that might make me sleep better at night. I don't think it changed me or my relationship with God.

2: I don't think God cares. I don't think it's a 2 way conversation. I think at best it's like trying to find a single grain of sand on a beach and I can't keep looking for that grain of sand. I felt disillusioned because I thought it would be a communicative relationship and I felt stupid when it wasn't. Would I love someone who didn't care for my presence or attention? No I wouldn't, I would leave them alone. Every time I go to mass I feel like I barged in on someone else's party. I clearly don't belong there and I'm not invited. I started feeling this way recently after I heard a sermon where the priest told everyone to stay away from sinful people. That means me. I know when I'm not wanted. I kept going to mass I guess to see if I would get thrown a line. After hearing that, I was on my way out. I'm not one to disgrace other people by my presence I guess. Didn't realize I was contagious.

3: before everyone says to go to confession, see #1 and #2. I'm not doing that until I'm sure of those 2 things. The responses I get from people seem oversimplified and it would not make sense for me to go to confession if I didn't believe in confession. It would feel like an abuse of the sacrament. I'm not taking chances with that. I'm not going to fake it till I make it because that would not be genuine. I would certainly just leave again like the previous 3 times. I'm upset that people seem to think I can just pick up a little faith like I can just buy a sandwich at the nearest gas station.

4: Last time I reverted I had extremely bad OCD because a certain priest my family liked was not really the kind of priest for beginners or newcomers. That was hands down the most unstable period of time I've ever been through and I'm not exaggerating. It felt like I was living in an ongoing soap opera. So so many ups and downs. Just overwhelming and way too many manic highs and lows. I'm sure if I try again genuinely that will be a problem again.