Relapse - husband lied

TW - pregnancy loss / restiction

My husband goes to a lot of industry events and I know they all go to strip clubs after conferences and such. The only 2 boundaries I had was that he tells me if they are going and that he doesn’t get any services (lap dances etc. ).

As we were recently scammed on one of our debit cards I have alerts set up. So every transaction gives me a notification. He knows this. He was at one of these events and I get an uber notification so I figured he’s gone back to his hotel or somewhere with friends. I ask him and he just lies to me. I asked 3 different times where he was and he just avoided the questions. When he did get to the hotel he again told me on the phone they stayed at the one event. So I told him our account has been hacked and we need to tell uber the next day. I picked him up from the train and he finally “admits” they went to a bar. Of course I don’t believe this and it takes the full day to admit they went to a strip club. So now I don’t believe anything and I’m questioning everything but he says he was trying to protect my feelings.

Backstory - I’ve had 4 miscarriages in the last 15 months. The last one was twins and I lost them 6 days before this event. So I’ve been very vulnerable. If I thought I hated my body during my ED years - it’s nothing compared to my pregnancy years.

But the second he lied to me about where he was I’ve stoped eating and all my behaviours that dominated my life over 3 years ago just came flooding back. It’s been days and I can’t stomach a morsel of food.

How can one persons actions so dramatically change my perspective and life. I don’t even want to get pregnant now because I know I’m not healthy. All I can think about it losing any extra weight and being better than all those women he looked at. I already scheduled to get a facial, Botox and fillers. Even worse is that I’m a full grown women at 37 years old and obviously the strip clubs are filled with women in their 20s.

Just really hating every single part of my life right now. Rant over.