Potential Disruption

We are 3 months into our first placement of a sibling pair. We are NOT a therapeutic home. This is their first time in care, so they came with unknown behaviors. The 8 yr old is a delight, but the older sibling has so many severe and untreated and undiagnosed behaviors. We are dealing with constant screaming (high pitched, not always in anger, sometimes boredom or sometimes excitement), physicality (pushing, shoving, hitting), and lots of dysregulated behaviors. I have been begging for help, but we are still without a therapist and any sort of psych evaluation. I have bought children’s books on anger and impulsivity, I have given the older sibling a sensory sock and necklaces to chew on and fidgets and big rubber bands for stretching when dysregulated, but every single thing results in a fight and a blow up. He will not brush his teeth without a fight. They have moved on from physical behavior to psychological “revenge” towards the younger sibling, trying to scare them for any perceived (often delusional) slight or just out of boredome.

The younger sibling recently articulated hatred and talk of self harm - the constant tension is getting to them. We are seeing some progress in the siblings’ behavior, more individuating and less enmeshement, but along with that has come an awareness that the older sibling’s behavior is not typical.

We have tried so hard, but I finally sent an email to everyone at the county saying unless we have interventions in place for the older sibling at the end of the month, we will need to disrupt.

I feel like I’ve failed. And I am SO crushed for the younger sibling. I feel like they are collateral damage of their older sibling’s behavior, and I worry this disruption will crush them. We get along so well, and I know they will be hurt by having to leave our home. It will also crush the older sibling and we worry it will only cause them to spiral further (they are clearly wrestling with depression and feelings of rejection) but this child needs a home with more resources than we can provide.

To make matters worse, reunification will likely not happen for years, if ever. We have tried so hard, but there is no end in sight and our nerves are frayed.

A friend who works in the system and another more experienced foster parent have both observed the children and agree that the older sibling would benefit from a therapeutic home.

I just feel like I’m failing the younger sibling in particular. We would have disrupted weeks ago if not for them. I don’t want to add any more trauma to their load. But this isn’t working.

I don’t know - I guess I just want to hear how any of you managed all these feelings when disrupting siblings. I am so crushed.