It’s been 18 months

I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer a year and a half ago.

I feel like overall, I’m handling it pretty well. I’m showing up for my kid, holding down a job, marriage is fine. I have a therapist and I did an art therapy class for grief.

It is easier. I will say that in case anyone just lost somebody, and is wondering how the pain could ever stop feeling so constant and raw. It gets better! I go longer without the heaviness. When it hits, it isn’t as intense…

But it still sucks so much. Any time I catch a minute and just look at the stupid sky and the clouds are beautiful, I think about her. And I feel like it’s just such bullshit. She was the glue in our family. It just feels like a joke without her. I can’t stomach being in my childhood home or even in my home city.

I feel so unmotivated and tired all the time. My company was acquired a few months ago and I should probably be proactively job hunting but I literally cannot put in a drop of effort. I know a lot of people who have lost their parents and they seem to be handling it much better. I think it’s because my mom and I were so close that I’m struggling so hard. I have my dad, my sister, my husband, some wonderful friends, but nobody compares to my mom.