I wish I had a Dad

So I’m 20M. I grew up without a father. I’ve never even met my dad. I was raised by a single mother. My mom immigrated from a foreign country to America with her 2 kids at the time without her husband, although they are technically married to this day. A couple years after she arrived here a guy assaulted my mother and I was the result of that. So I grew up with zero father. My stepfather never was interested in being in my life. Not having a dad really affected me growing up. My mom did her best but she couldn’t be my dad. And I feel like with her trying to be both parents that led to some dark places between us. As I write this today I’m just really sad about not having a dad. I never had anyone to play catch with as a kid and do guy things with. Never had anyone to talk about relationships with as a teen. And I never had anyone who could show me what it means to be a man. I’ve had to figure that out on my own. Not to mention that I have to reckon with the fact that half of my DNA comes from a monster of a man. It’s just a lot to process. I’d love to hear from guys in this sub who can make me feel better and encourage me. Because I’m feeling pretty sad at the moment.