Feeling done with myself

Hello everyone I (17F )am currently in class 12th my board exams have started 🥲I just want to rant little but so yesterday was my music instrument exam 🥲and on 21 my physics cbse exam 🤧I just 🥲my music exam went really bad like I was thinking I'll get full marks in music and english so my percentage will not affect much if I get little less in chemistry as I don't like chemistry and hate it and I just can't understand chemistry at all so I thought I could get full marks in optional exam so it will be sorted I had expections of my own for my board result

The exam was hard actually I agree I didn't study properly but it was way to hard 🥲like my school exam of pre boards and UT and all exam they weren't even compatible like it was wayyyy too hard level in school exam I get full marks even if I didn't study and thus was hard the mcqs were hard af and I didn't knew notations and few questions were just like too much..... My music teacher never taught a day in whole 2 tears in class 11th and 12th and on last day she sends way too many notes o day of exam too like yesterday till 8am she was sending notes ...soo many things were not even part of syllabus I was confused and everyone else was confused too on what is coming and what not it was chaos . I wasn't the only one who's exam went bad yesterday sooo many students exam went bad I asked my friends and everyone they all said mcqs were hard and questions were hard no one was in good mood after exam tomorrow I am just really really scared

I was disappointed ( I still am) like I expected to get full marks in music ....I have been depressed from past 3+ years it's getting hard for me to focus and study because I I depressed and then all those fake friends, personal issues and family tension and problems no one takes it seriously that am not ok at all and I can't say anything to anyone in real life..... I know I should be studying right now and I am going too I promise to get the result I want 💯🤞🏻promise myself and everyone here ....but sometimes I just can't I feel like dying is a better option as it just pains few minutes then no longer but I can't I can't leave my family like this I don't want them to suffer because of me ...... Sometimes I need little motivation and encouraging words to feel little ok 💛

I don't know why I wrote it I just wanted to get it out little bit