Are all of us right?

ETA : Tahnk you all for your insights. I wasn’t trying to discount this sub or this community’s experiences. I was just in a shit mood earlier. still am. But he definitely fits the bill for a narc. When I caught him w the girl and exploded on him, he said “if you tell your friends and family about tonight, then we are really over”. Haha because to him, him betraying me isn’t grounds for me leaving. He couldn’t even fathom me leaving. And secondly bc he knows if I share any part of what happened to my close loved ones that they will see through his BS. Anyways thank you all again.

I keep reading the threads on this post; of people whos stories are just as bad, or worse, than my own. About partners who don't give a fuck about us, about leeches and self-absorbed assholes... but I wonder, are we diagnosing them to make ourselves feel better?

All these terms are swimming in my head - narc ex; discard; AP; lovebombing; gaslighting... And I am not minimizing any of it, I am just trying to understand - are all of us right about them? I think me doubting this is another symptom of his emotional abuse - that even despite a year of going through the anxiety and hell he put me through, that I am still sitting here going, but there's no way he's like this. It must be his trauma. He must have just made a mistake.

I don't know. It feels like I dated two people, but in reality he was just the asshole I always knew him to be. But what do I do, with all the sweet memories, of all the special moments we shared, back when he felt like my sweet boy, and not like the disgusting man I know him to be now?

I can't even call him that, and mean it. Because even now, despite everything, I still love him. And I hate myself for it. I wish I never met him, truly. I have lost all hope in finding someone. If I could love him so wholeheartedly, show up for him, do all the things I did for him, and it still wasn't enough, then fuck, it must just mean that I am unloveable. Like I'm the trial run - the obstacle men go through before meeting someone 'better'. And it fucking hurts.

In my other post, I talked about how we are in two different periods of our lives. I am younger, but almost a lawyer (if that even means anything, I don't think it does anymore), and he works at the airport doing a physically demanding job and has no idea what he wants to do in the future and still lives with his rents, has never moved out, told me he needs to save money, but took that girl on a date, and ....

My mind is a mess. I am not sure how everyone is able to write on here so coherently. I am just rambling now... and I don't even think I need advice, just a place to put it all, because I am absolutely gutted.