A subtle early sign of a covert narcissist

I was in a relationship with a covert narcissist for almost 2 years. Recently, I was talking to a family member about subtle signs, as she herself has experience being in such a relationship.

One that I would watch out for is based on the idea of "locus of control" -- a person's belief about how much control they have over the events in their life. I think we can all generally agree that narcissists very much have an external locus of control, which is why they often speak as if they have no control over their behaviours or actions. This becomes very apparent if you have been with them long term.

Talking about covert narcissists, who are often sometimes hard to spot, this shows up subtly in the early stages. The tell-tale is when you are getting to know each other and talking about personal dreams, aspirations, goals, etc. I would say to look out for statememts or phrasings that are worded to seem like it's outside their control, when you know it is within their control. So for example:

• I don't want to hurt you.
• I should've brought you X.
• I wanted to take you there.
• We should do X sometime.
• I wish I knew more about X.
• I really need to learn to do X.
• I wish I could be like you and X.

None of this seems inherently bad, and don't have to be. But if this is all that is said or done, and they don't expand on it, ask yourself why. For example, if they said they wanted to take you to X place, what is stopping them? Or if they wished they could be as open with family as you, what is stopping them? If something is stopping them, why aren't they changing it? Is their inability to change it within their control? If so, why aren't they doing so?

If you keep digging, you realize that there's always and explanation or excuse, but never a solution or action. That's because the answer is simple: The statements lack sincerity and real intention. If it happens, they'll be happy. But they're not going to make it happen unless it is to their benefit.

Reflecting back on my relationship, there were so many "want", "wish", "hope", etc. statements. It started off with casual statements about himself. Then it was used to try and flatter me. Then it built into future-faking. But most of it never came true unless I took initiative and planned it, or asked about it to see how we can work towards it.

If they can take initiative, learn, research, plan, and execute when it concerns them solely or it is to their benefit, they can do the same in the relationship. For example, my nex planned countless trips, setup dates and times for clients and friends, or made last minute plans with friends or family. With me, most of the things he said he wanted to do with me never happened and trying to schedule time to see each other was like pulling teeth.

This is intentional and part of the control. It now reeks of insincerity and usery behaviour to me. People who are truly sincere will make the effort and take initiative, or collaborate. These kinds of statements is used to build connection and to get you to fantasize about the future and build hope. Eventually, if you're there long enough, you'll hear them say it when talking about their behaviours, or actions, or lack of efforts that are causing you harm or damaging the relationship. And you'll think to yourself, "But he/she can just do it! He/she can try!"

The classic "if they wanted to, they would" is true for this reason.