Help , i do not want to commit sucideee, help me deal with this.

Hi , I m 20 m, currently in process to apply for undergraduate in the USA, After 3 months , on march 31 its my visa interview and on it evrything depends, like my family is not stable, dad has an affair, for the past 8 years, and my mom always says to me you r my last hope , give me better life, dad doesnt live with us.

The thing is I had a gf, when I was in 11th, after completing my 12th , there started minor issues, fights, and we used to solve it, due to communication gap, (i have this anger issue and once i poured it on her so i get scared if i do it again , so normally i distance myself when i am angry and comeback later) and due to this gap, things got worse, she is also trying for USA, we both had this dream to be there , we both worked hard for all exams like IELTS, SATs . Her interview is also in same month as of me.

But she left me, without giving any reason. We had a fight in nov, as it was festive season she was busy with her family and i was idle sttting at home, i wanted to talk to her but her replies got dry, like 2-3 times in evening and whole day she used to be off.

I got pissed and waited for few days, even when festivals were over, she couldnt manage time for me, oneday while waiting a lot I broke down at night, i sent her that snap with me full of tears, but she didnt even called me once or texted me what happned , this was around 15nov i waited for 3 more days, on 17 th nov she posted a tiktok, i was shocked as i m here waiting for her and she is posting videos. On 19th nov i got too stressed and took my bag, bought few things and went on trekking to upper Himalayas of Nepal i went alone , i spent some time there for around 5 days and on 25th nov i returned back, i expected her msg till then, but i had not received any, i waited 2 more days, i posted story of myself expecting her to text, she saw it but didnt, then i left my ego and went to her , i called her she was in college, (for backup if her visa is rejected, her dad made her join some bachelors college here in Nepal) and she asked why u called, I said “I miss your voice “ she hung up.

Same evening, i texted her what happned , and her first message was - I do not love you , I lost feelings for you . I was so confused and impulsive. I texted her so many things, why what happned , begged her , she didnt even care, i cried broke down that night , it was 30th nov ig. She refused to meet me,

This had happned before too, but she melted and fixed us, but this time i could feel it was different so i was so much worried. I begged her texted her long paragraphs, but her response was same, slowly she started calling me brother, started using terms like “jaa bey” in a disrespectful way. Despite that i begged her cried a lot, i begged her i will fix us and all.

She refused to meet me, she had joined college on 21-22nd nov ig and in 3rd dec i went to her college. I called her and she saw me outside waiiting, she got so furious and refused to come outside even it was almost end of that colleg time. Then she agreed to meet but in public, she told me to wait near a traffic chowk, i went there 5-10 mins from her college she came after a while and she didnt even agree to sit somehwere, i cried in middle of road, whole people on bus saw me crying, i begged her, she laughed at my face, didnt even bother to look. That day i treid my best, to know the reason , i even begged her i will fix us , please stay and all. She left in bus. Next day was our anniversary 2 yrs, so on 4th dec i told her please meet me today too, she denied but i persisted, again she met me at the same road, i was there with one of my bro, i had bought a ring for her, we tallked and again i begged her so much, i put my ego respect everything aside, but she didnt even bother , she started saying evrything that i was insecure of, she started saying i will now talk to him , that , i will add them and etc,

I was so hurt but still i begged her, because we started dating giving each other promise that we r dating to marry, i got on my knees on my first date, when we kissed for first time, and we were so happy for1 year ig or more than that, fights used to happen but never slept angry.

Then she walked toward bus station i went along her, and there stood and begged her crying, tears , nose running, people on the bus infront of us saw me and i didnt care i only looked at her and begged she kept on ignoring me. While she was going inside the bus, i opened her bag and put the ring .

Later she texted , i do not need this, tell me where i should i come to return it.

Now from dec 4 - dec 30 i kept crying, begging sending myself crying, heartfull msg, videos , phtoos of us, and all but she didnt care at all,

Infact i even begged her brother who knew about us from the beginning asking him to make her understand, her frnds too , i reached out to everyone who could talk to her, because she had stoped reply to my msg.

Alot happned in that dec month, i had never cried that much, even my mom noticed my swollen face, sad face and she asked me 2-3 times within a week what happned. I ignore her saying nothing.

On 31st dec 2024, we met she wanted to clear this out, we met at a public restro, she came from her college with her one girl frnd and one guy friend . But they two were somehwere else when we talked , i too there begged her so much cried alot, she just sat there said,

See , i do not have any feelings for u, and i dont love u rn not at alll. And i have moved on completely, i asked is it this easy ? She said it was long ago in my subconscious mind , i started feeling detached and finally i did yayy. I said u could have told me, but why ? U loved me right? Then why didnt put efforts to keep us together? We talked like this, her response was , I m free like a bird now, the state i m in rn, if i was 2 years ago i could have done so many things. I m so creative and productive. I m glad i m not stuck with you.

I broke down. I said atleast let me fix this, she didnt even spend 20 mins, she said my frnds are waiting and i need to go celebrate new year eve, i tried to hug her while going but she pushed me so hard.

While going down, stairs, outside that restro there was her one girl friend carrying helmet, i kept in talking to her tho they werre heading towards other side i follwed her calling her wait wait , let me be with u for one more min, there i saw this guy , who was with them,

I had heard about him from her mouth, to make me jealous she had sent me ss of chats of that guy complimenting her. I just impulsively called him and said hi, and he was responsive. He said i have heard a lot about u, and i said same. She and her girl friend went away waiitng from far, and this guy beacame so frndly with me, saying all these things like, give her some time, same had happned with me once too, he talked like for 10 mins , and after that he went with them saying i m getting late , i was just there standing and saw them smilinng and prolly asking what did u talk to him and all.

Later that eveing i texted her a long final paragraph. Saying take ur time heal urself, u r frustrated, i will wait for u! And all. I had sent that guy frnd request on fb. He accepted after so long and the next day i texted him in noon asking him his number saying i might need someday in emergency if she doesnt pickup my call, because this guy was in same class as hers so.

He got defensive and said sorry i cant give it. I called him in messnegwer, he picked up and we talked for like 2 hrs . He constantly told me, do not beg, if she is gone gone , u r doing too much, i have also been through same phase blah blah,

One thing two days before she had called him to vent out frustration about me, which she had told me another day in text . And because of that, i got worried like anong all her close frnds, even her brother who knows about us, why did she went to him whom she had just met 1-2 weeks back . No one gets that close this fast to share ur personal info to a guy.

So i asked him what did she tell u and all, but he denied and just started making excuse , nothing just usual frustration and all. I forced him to show me chats in sharing screen, he denied at first but then shared it on call, i screen recoreded it , he scrolled so fast i could not read properly, he scroled for like 5 mins and and it has just reached to 2 days back. I was shocked in 2 days they have talked voiced mesaaged, this much.

Later when i reviewed the recoridng, i looked at each frame, i saw him calling her nicknames, tho her responnse was frankly but she didnt reply in the same energy.

I saw him saying , just be mine i will give u world , kinda in funny way or something.

She never had stopped him, she just kept the convo going but didnt replied with the same level of flrityness.

Later i saw the message, my final message which i had sent her that day, she had sent it to him and he had reacted haha to it.

I was so shocked, how could she share this with someone she met few days backin new place new college. I saw so many message of him flirting with her but she kept it frndly , but her respinse was too frank. She kept on kinda talking in a sense of being interested in him. They had been talking since start of dec. and they had called few times, video called actualy, so many voice message , texts, and late night emotional pain sharing about lifes and all.

When i texted her again after talking to him, she said my intentions are clear, he is a very good frnd infact best frnd whom i trust and share my frustation with.

She started sating its u, who pusedd me so much that i went to someone else to vent it out and all. She kept on saying i do not lovr then why shod i keep explaing it to u, and yeah be clear i have not left u for someone else , i have left u for my peace. U r too selfish , u want me to be urs only, even if i talk with someone or any frnd u dont like it.

Now i m free, i do not have to worry about anyone mood to makemyself happy.

I sent her that ss, of each frame, where they both had talked so frankly and like with names we used to call each other, i showed her everything, and then that guy voice messsage me saying , u r worst, u r not trustworthy, i told u earlier thats why i was not ready to show u any chats and all, he also said in call that, do not worry , she is my frnd, she just vents out and i listen , you guys solve it urself .

She started saying ik what i m doing, my intentions r clear, i m giving him priority but that doesnt mean i am expexting from him. Ik my mind , and ik hwat it wants.

She kept saying these all. This is of today, 1st jan, and rn its 11:55 night, i m so broken rn while typing this all, she is prolly laughing with him. While saying again and again, i asked her to stop sharing us with him. I said i will wait for u, just do not let anyone come betwen us. She reacted thumbs up and left me on seen.

The thing is there are so many things nicknames , teasing , and all in just 2 days of chats wuth her, i couldnt imagine of rest of days , he didnt shwo all, he just scrolled for few mins and stopped .

My mind is so fucking big rn, i feel like its gonna blast. I love her so much, i put everything aside for her, these 2 years she never behavedike this, she seemed so inncoent and all. But suddenly she got so disrespectful. Called me evrynames,

I had imgained my life with her. I had planned once our visa is approved i will make her meet my mom. I had so many dreams with her , but even after giving all my efforts i couldnt make her stay and live me the way I am.

I m at peak time of my life. I m so lost infact i got this thought of killing myself for toatll 6 times in this whole month, it took a lot of courage to conclude that and alot of pain to stay alive. My eyes are so swollen i cant even see , i have cried like hell.

Infact i was not the one who came in her life , she is the one to come in mine, i was so happy single, and hardworking in my studeis, and then she approched me, we instantly clicked, and our goals and personality matched. Like not other who dates and breakuos but we had promised to stay forvwr.

I cant process this pain which i m going through. I could have been ok with the fact she lost feelings, but not with this that she found a guy just even breaking up and shared all of our secrets with him. She even shared about my dads affair with him. I m so fuckinggggg pissed with this, i trusted her i consider her as my family and shared it with her. She had met him jsut 2-3 weeks back and she is so close to him , they talk like they have been knwing each ither for years. That guy is new here in town. He came here just to join college.

They go out talk , eat, vibe, play with each other and othher frnds in their group. Ik its college having frnds is fine, but being that close to a guy and this fast is what killing me inside. She was never like this. She was so loyal that even i got shocked sometimess. How did i find her .

I cannot process this pain rn, everything falshes before my eyes rn, i m just typing out what ever is coming to my mind infact this also what my mind is saying rn each word just not out loud, all those chats, tease, flrit and texts flashing like its gonna hunt me down. I always supported her, always there for her, never ever even looked at another girl, but still why meee???? She is my first love, i do not i will ever be able to move on but, i m so much fuked up rn!

Why does people change ??? What did i do that made her like this. That night when i had anxiety attack , i texted so much so many things but she didnt reply, at last she said could you please let me sleep peacefully. I couldnt take that, i was so fucked up that night how coukd anyone be this cold, u lovedd me for 2 yrs , atleast show some sympathy some few good words to calm me down, if u dont wanna stay fine but atleast don’t disrespect me .

I cant even imagine my life without her, but she is so happy and joyfull , with that guy. She talks like they r couple, her feew words had hurted him oneday and she kept on asking what did i say pleasee tell me , and like this , fuck man, it so sounded like e a couple thing, the way we used to chat, the names she used to call me when she was angry on me or whatever. When i saw that in chat i was disheartened,

My whole body rn is shaking , my heart is beating fast but she is prolly talking to him.

I do not know how could i deal with this

Yesterday, i was like ok she is pisssed and frustrated, i wont disturb for a month she will return , but today that guy chat histroy of just 2 days showed so many things i could nt even imagine, life is so fuckedd.

How coukd anyone just fall out of love?????? How??? If she loved me, she could have mmade things workout but she didnt.

My mom , who never called me Chhoraa nickname, today, she said “chhora yaha aau , what happened sit near me , tell me why u look upset, i said nothing and returned back to my room”

How could i share my pain with her when she is already in pain for the past 8 years?

Edit: i have made one insta account where i post my poems which i have written for her and took 10$ capcut premium to edit it, (spare dollars thyo ma sanga) , i hope that reaches to her oneday, she doesnt know about it, i an doing this to keep myself busy insteading thinking alot, insta account name: untilshereturns_