my true desire seems delusional

my true desire is to be young, tall and beautiful. this seems beyond delusional, neville didn't think we could imagine ourselves back to youth and he never really talked about physical appearance beyond the trivial (losing weight, health). but it still is my true desire. i find relief in nothing else. i find no joy in being this man that is not the man I want to be. but i also don't find relief in imagining this, because i cannot convince myself there is hope of realization. so imagining what I want actually hurts now. life has become a burden to me. i would like to ask for help as i can't see a way out, but that never works. people sometimes try to give advice, and i believe their intentions are good, but I just can't understand how to apply it. i think back to many moments in the past where I felt I would be alright, and they are so long ago, and it hurts. i don't know what i am still doing in this world.