Gottman Negative Sentiment Override

I want to better understand Negative Sentiment Override(NSO). My wife and I are going through some issues. We’ve been married for 8.5 years with 4 kids (7,4,4 & 2). She has become emotionally detached and was diagnosed by her therapist as having NSO. She has been married 2 times before our marriage and this is my first and in my heart and mind only marriage. She pretty much see’s no hope for the marriage and refuses to trust me that I’m going to follow through with the changes I’m making. Personally, I recognize that I had a critical heart, was defensive in how I handled any arguing and quick to place blame on people or things. I believe I am righting the ship and making tremendous progress for permanent changes. I think I didn’t fall for the NSO trap because I naturally have a strong sense of guilt and forgiving heart. She on the other hand holds on to things and is not quick or easy to forgive. I felt guilty leaving the kids at home when she tried to plan date nights and she took that as me not prioritizing her. She is a medical provider and Covid was rough on our family as it was on many. I didn’t trust the narrative and her being a provider trusted the guidance at the time. At this point I don’t care who was right or wrong, we both didn’t handle ourselves well. But she took it as I dont respect what she does for a living and she has convinced herself that is my belief (not at all true). We have tried couples counseling once, and I was too full of myself (young) and didn’t pay well enough attention and she didn’t really open up either. We’ve tried some other counseling and I suppose it wasn’t until it got this serious that things finally became clear to me how far I had strayed from Christ and my marriage. A real wake up call. I think it’s is probably safe to say this carried over from her first marriage perhaps.

I have a couple of questions about NSO. 1) Is it a conditioning from arguing that causes those who are affected to hyperbolize the situation versus reality and also assume negative intent? Basically blowing things out of proportion, mountain out of a mole hill, etc. An example would be the covid situation I mentioned above. I really didn’t say anything outlandish or make accusations or anything personal. It just seems like they make lies to themselves to stay angry and bitter and full of resentment.

2) how do you bring it up when they’re doing it? Telling them to calm down doesn’t seem like a wise way to handle it.

3) my wife stopped sleeping in our bed because I tried to have sex with her because a week prior she said that we should try to maintain intimacy. She said no and I innocently said please, like a child would say. She got really upset calling it a double standard. I was just shocked she would get upset about it. The next night she decided to sleep in my son’s room. I told her I didn’t think it was a healthy decision. Her therapist said she was right and that she shouldn’t feel ashamed. I feel like the therapist is reinforcing what I felt was an NSO response. Does that seem accurate?

I love my wife and I see how I contributed to this, but I want to fight for my marriage and family. I want resolve this and move forward so we can live happily ever after and raise our 4 children together. My strategy right now is positive sentiment override and to not engage in anything with an abrasive tone or any arguing.