Whoever said communication is the key was lying

Sometimes it works, sure but honestly most of the time IT JUST ISN'T WORTH IT. Because whenever I do try I somehow manage to make everything worse!

Does anyone else feel this way? Like the more you try to explain yourself, the more overreactive you come across? Because I just want to be heard, I JUST WANT TO EXPLAIN MYSELF. I'm really not trying to overreact.

And of course I can’t even explain half the stuff I feel because GOD I feel so fucking much. It’s so unfair! Why do I feel this intensely but can’t put it into words? And the things I do manage to say? They’re soooo far from what I actually want to express. Then in hindsight I always feel ridiculous for rambling about irrelevant things instead of getting to the point.

When I feel unheard or misunderstood I just stop talking altogether. I know that’s not exactly healthy but honestly I’d rather save my energy than add to my frustration (which happens anyway). I’d much rather talk to someone who genuinely listens and has the patience to hear me out because I feel like I need constant reassurance to even keep talking when I’m opening up about my emotions. Sometimes I feel like I’m just a slut for reassurances lol. I know nobody really has that kind of patience but still I can't rush it even if I try.

The worst part is when I realize mid conversation that I’m overexplaining and just embarrassing myself further, I immediately shut down like completely! Then I end up looking like I don’t care and like I’m the detached and “nonchalant” one which couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m the most chalant person everrrr. I’ve never been chill in my entire life. Even in my sleep I’m clenching my teeth. I am that fucking chalant. I’m so devoted to this nonsense it is insane.

Is it just me or does anyone else spiral like this when it comes to communication? Like do you obsess over the whole 'how much is too much' thing? Because most of the time I feel like I’m way too much, way to intense and that I should just shut up entirely. All I'm asking is if there's a way I can work on being better.

(For the mods, this is NOT a relationship post. I am just messy ranting about my own frustrating behavior)