I'm so sorry I didn't believe you

when you told me you were not a good person. I thought it was self-deprecating humor or an attempt for validation.

I'm sorry I thought you were just joking when you said that your "hands are rated E for everyone" when discussing a hypothetical situation involving other people.

I'm so incredibly sorry I gave you a second chance when I found out I was pregnant & let you move into my new house. Even more regret engulfs me that I wasted so much money, time & love on you.

The police labeled me a victim, because of what you did when you came back to get your belongings. A Victim. There's an implied weakness in there that eats at my soul. Shame. Embarrassment.

I'm sorry to the neighbors, whose garage I ran inside of in my socks, lounge pants & hoodie, screaming & crying and requesting that they help me as I called the police while I was drenched, still shaking as contractions started two months ahead of schedule and my wrist was throbbing as it began to swell.

I'm sorry that you finally left, but stayed yelling at the neighbors house until just before officers arrived. I'm sorry that they couldn't give you the same information about DV "battery" they gave me, but from the back of their car. I'm sorry "abuser" is somehow less humiliating than "victim" and only one of us will try like hell to avoid anyone knowing & judging. That only one of us will be viewed as less-than.

But more than anything, I'm sorry to my unborn daughter, that my disbelief when you said you were a bad person eventually led to pre-term labor & her fetal distress. I'm so incredibly sorry that I have to take even more medicine to keep contractions at bay. I'm sorry the father line on her birth certificate will be blank - because non-fathers don't have rights.

But I'm not sorry she'll never meet you. That she's never going to have to determine the veracity of your statement that you aren't a good person. That you'll never break her heart, spirit, or any bones.

And I'm never going to share this with you, because that opens the door to a response and all of my doors & windows are closed to you now.

I hope I don’t carry this anger, fear & hurt much longer; but while I do, I hope life gives you everything you deserve.

I'm sorry you taught me how to hate you.

Edit: typos