being asexual makes me feel so broken

it’s not like it’s everyones definition of the label, either. i enjoy kink, i still feel arousal, i even post myself online because i’m so fucking insecure and still crave to be wanted no matter how disgusting it makes me feel. i could just never be intimate with somebody else. i couldn’t feel that for somebody. everything about it just freaks or grosses me out. textures, body heat, the sensation, i just can’t. and i want to, so bad.

recently, my best friend confessed their feelings for me, and during the break we took for some space to work things out, i wondered why, because we’ve had lengthy discussions about my asexuality and their lack thereof. they’ve told me about things they want to do with a partner, and they said they couldn’t date an ace person. today we talked (and we’re fine, by the way) and they continued that a little and said even if i did like them back it couldn’t work because they have insecurities and they need to be with someone who desires them sexually and finds them attractive. it just made me feel broken.

it felt easier to come to terms with being queer, with liking girls, with not being cis. this just makes me feel like i’ll never be enough for anyone.

if it was just sex, it’d be fine, but i don’t like kissing either. or most aspects of physical intimacy, like cuddling. how am i ever going to find a partner who can live without that?? obviously theres other asexual people, others on the aromantic spectrum who might feel similar, but do you understand how hard that is to find?? i’m 19 and have been on dating apps since i turned 18, and have never met anyone who feels the same way.

anyway :/