My rock bottom should have been a trip to the loony bin a year ago because of some dark thoughts, but I still haven’t learned. Help? Advice? I’ve alienated myself so much. I can’t afford my therapy co-pay right. I’m lost. (Sorry for the long post, but please read the whole thing if you want to help)

Hi everyone. So sorry in advance for the very very long post. (28F) & I was doing GREAT TBH. I was sober almost the entire month of January. I was still very proud of myself even though I did slip up twice and had a few drinks this month. I decided to focus on the fact I had 28/31 days sober this month instead of the days I did drink. Or identifying myself with the days I had in a row. That helped a lot! I even picked up a new hobby & I started guitar lessons this week!!

But…. I didn’t go “skiing” again….. up until yesterday. Just ran into the right people somehow. Couldn’t hold myself accountable. The BIGGEST reason I finally convinced myself I had a problem is because of this very reason. I become very close with a friend early last year who often goes “skiiing”. But this person is able to moderate it. Unlike me. If I get a g? Gone that night. She can make a 3.5 last for months…. I’ve tried to convince myself I can. The more I spent time with her-she always had some-the more I did it-the more I couldn’t say no. It wasn’t her fault tbh. I told her NO MORE at one point and she held me accountable. I would TRY SO HARD to make her give me some and she never caved. So naturally I got pissed and cut her off. The one friend who actually held me to my shit and wanted what’s best for me.

Once I learned about “skiing and drinking”…… everything changed. I CANNOT drink without wanting the other. Even on a work night. Even if I have $100 in my bank account. I’ll spend my last dollar. That’s why I decided to take accountability and tried to stop. But I have had a very stressful past 2 weeks. Both work and family reasons. And I allowed myself again to a “treat” because I “deserveeeee” it. I deserve to feel crappy about myself???? Ugh…

I used to drink in moderation. (Start of every story right?) A “normal” drinker. A glass of wine here. Maybe a cocktail after work? Probably a drinking night if I was celebrating a holiday or I LOVE CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS!! But at the time I was able to have something called LIMITS. That’s what they all try to say right? Don’t know what that is anymore. I didn’t want to accept I have problem at all. I still don’t. I want SO BADLY to be “normal.” But I keep proving to myself I can’t. I tried AA, but the women’s only meetings don’t work with my schedule. Thinking about asking my supervisor at work if I can adjust my schedule 1 day to go to the women’s meeting near me. I tried some online groups, but I need something in person. I’m working 2 jobs trying to alienate myself from being able to be social (don’t do this it makes it worse).

EDIT: I have thought about in-patient, sober living, etc, but I just can’t drop everything and go that route. I have a great job and I can’t mess this up… if I lost my job and lost my independence I wouldn’t come back from it. I just know I wouldn’t. I also have a 2 year old cream golden retriever who is my ROCK. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have her. She kept me from acting on thoughts when I was in a dark place.