30(Amab) I feel like I’m still questioning (imposter syndrome?)

I’ve never felt, or maybe just never been able to interpret dysphoria well though, which is why (and all the internalized homophobia/transphobia my parents instilled in me growing up) I think the pendulum swung the other way growing up as closeted and identifying (reluctantly) as bisexual and trying to just be the most masc/cis/practically straight person I could be and what has caused me never being able to regulate my mental and emotional health. (I mean is that dysphoria? Or my depression/adhd/autism? Or is it because of addiction issues? Or have I been using alcohol/drugs instead of addressing the real issues causing the want for escape? Obviously you can’t answer these questions for me, only I can, but a lot of times I am one 100% confident in the answer one day and at least 80% confident in the opposite answer the next. Tbh I’m not sure what the ask or what the point of writing all this out was other than if it’s “am I completely crazy?” And I’m sure the answer is “yes”

It’s like if I could just try estrogen without everyone knowing, without any irreversible effects, and knew transitioning would still allow me provide for my child/maintain relationships with my family then I totally would but I can’t have my cake and eat it too… yet I’m gunna try anyway. I’m about to go on vacation for several weeks and travel several states. I had an appointment on Monday and got prescribed for 1mg estradiol patches. I’m scared af, nervous, but also extremely excited, and think this journey will help me find myself.

Any experiences road tripping early in transition I should look forward to/avoid/be aware of?

TLDR: So in total cishet behavior, I’ve decided I must travel while starting hrt after contemplating it for years, to figure out if I’m trans.