when your ex shows you who they really are

2 years together and we lived together and shared our two dogs, he left bc he "lost feelings/ didn't love me the same as he did at the beginning/ needed to find himself/ didn't love me anymore." It's been 10 months since the breakup, he moved out and i stayed in the lease and found a roommate until the end of nov. I initially begged and sought closure, we met face to face 3 months in and he was distant. the last few months of the relationship he was distant, mean almost, unaffectionate, and cold. we'd been talking about marriage and kids, all things he'd talked about wanting with me since we started dating. all the things he was so excited about, this future he wanted with me.

When do I get over the feeling that I should have left him before left? when do I get over feeling that i missed major red flags that alluded to who he really was, not his representative? it's hard feeling fooled like this, looking back and seeing that he really wasn't who I thought he was.

we last spoke at the end of november. we'd arranged a time and day that he was supposed to come get his furniture out of our shared apartment. the day of and 20 mins before the scheduled time, he texted me and asked me to call an uber and put all of his stuff in it for him bc he didn't want to deal with traffic. he lives 15 minutes away by car and we'd made the plans a week prior for him to come get his stuff (office chair, lamps, carpet, cpu monitor, etc). I was in the midst of cleaning the apartment, patching drywall holes, and painting to make sure we received the deposit back. he offered absolutely no help in moving any of the furniture we bought together out of the apartment. i didn't respond after 5 minutes of staring at my phone in disbelief, to which he texted me again and told me it would be better if i just ordered the uber with the furniture to his house, but to tell him when I sent it because he was outside walking his dog.

I finally told him no. First time. Looking back, I desperately lacked boundaries with him and was constantly trying to express myself in the nicest way possible. He crashed out, leaving 5 minutes of voicenotes asking me to explain why I told him no to doing "such a simple task" and how he just really needed me to explain to him why I told him no to begin with, why I was being mean to him, and accused me of holding the breakup over him. He told me I wasn't being the person who he knew and he "couldn't believe this was how it was going to end between us." He told me to "have a nice life" because he "never wanted to talk to me again." Then he unfollowed me on Instagram that night. He'd watched every single one of my IG stories since the breakup. One of our mutual friends ended up helping me with the move and the movers, then took all his stuff to my ex at his house. The friend told me- "I hope you see now who you are dealing with and this makes it easier to fully move on."

It was alarming that this is how my ex reacted to my no. So they just eventually show their true colors. It fucking sucks because I really thought this was it, but he was really not a good person to me in the end. i never responded to 5 minute long voicenote, just kept working on cleaning and moving everything out of the apartment as the lease ended the day after.

I only messaged him a week later to ask for his account info to send him his half of the deposit back. i took $100 off of the top for the cleaning, painting, and repairs i did around the house for the materials and labor... He told me I was stealing from him. I was cordial and tried my best. I am disgusted I ever loved him. This is no way to treat someone he said he loved. Trying to work past the pure disgust and anger I feel towards him.

how do I become secure after this? did i just really mess up by being so empathetic and kind at the beginning that I just forgot about myself and my needs?