AI version of NBA Trade Column
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Courtesy of ChatGPT:
The 2025 NBA Trade Value Column: In the Style of Bill Simmons
Welcome to the annual NBA Trade Value Column — where we separate the superstars from the supernovas, the overhyped from the underrated, and, most importantly, the players GMs would rather cut off a limb than trade. As always, the rules are simple: 1. Contracts matter. Age and salary are just as important as talent. Would you rather have a 25-year-old superstar locked up for three years or a 33-year-old superstar making $60 million per year? 2. Forget “untouchable” labels. Everyone’s tradable for the right offer (even Giannis). 3. The list reflects the league right now. Past accolades and sentimental value are irrelevant.
Let’s dive into the tiers, starting from the fringe guys and working our way up to the “If you even call me, I’m hanging up the phone” group.
The “Good Player, Weird Fit” Tier
Guys who’d be more valuable somewhere else but are stuck in situations where they can’t fully thrive.
Karl-Anthony Towns (Minnesota Timberwolves) It’s like owning a Tesla in the middle of Wyoming—sure, it’s flashy, but where are you going to charge it? KAT remains an offensive unicorn, but his defensive inconsistencies and awkward fit next to Rudy Gobert make him a frustrating puzzle piece.
Deandre Ayton (Portland Trail Blazers) Ayton’s potential feels like that high-school friend who was “definitely going to start a tech company.” Great in theory, but we’re still waiting. Portland’s young core could unlock him—or expose his limitations further.
The “We’re One Year Away from a Discourse Shift” Tier
Players we think are untouchable but could be on the block sooner than expected.
Trae Young (Atlanta Hawks) Trae is the microwave scorer you want… until you realize he might also be your team’s defensive microwave, heating up the opponent’s offense. Atlanta’s patience might wear thin if playoff success remains elusive.
Zion Williamson (New Orleans Pelicans) When he’s healthy, Zion is a human freight train with the touch of a 6-foot guard. But “when he’s healthy” is doing a lot of heavy lifting here. You can’t ignore the red flags forever.
The “Stars on Great Contracts” Tier
Young studs on rookie or team-friendly deals.
Tyrese Haliburton (Indiana Pacers) The basketball equivalent of finding a Picasso at a garage sale. Haliburton’s feel for the game is off the charts, and Indiana has him locked in at a bargain for years.
Jalen Williams (OKC Thunder) It’s terrifying how polished this guy already is. Throw in the fact that he’s on a rookie deal, and Sam Presti probably has a “DO NOT ANSWER” sign above his phone for any trade inquiries.
The “Franchise Cornerstones” Tier
Superstars who are virtually untradeable unless you’re offering an entire city in return.
Stephen Curry (Golden State Warriors) He’s 36, sure, but have you seen him lately? Still pulling up from 30 feet like it’s a layup drill. The Warriors will wheel him out in a rocking chair before they consider trading him.
Luka Dončić (Dallas Mavericks) A one-man offensive system who makes basketball look like a pick-up game. If the Mavs ever trade him, Cuban better have a spaceship ready to flee Earth.
The “You’re Not Even Allowed to Think About Calling” Tier
Nikola Jokić (Denver Nuggets) The guy just won a title while looking like he wandered in from a Serbian barbecue. Jokić’s genius is unmatched—he’s basically LeBron James if LeBron had post moves and a dad bod.
Giannis Antetokounmpo (Milwaukee Bucks) Two-time MVP. Defensive powerhouse. The most loyal superstar since Dirk Nowitzki. Even if Giannis hints at leaving, Milwaukee won’t blink until it’s absolutely unavoidable.
Victor Wembanyama (San Antonio Spurs) The most hyped prospect since LeBron… and somehow better than advertised. He’s blocking threes, handling the ball like a guard, and redefining what it means to be a big man. If San Antonio traded him, Gregg Popovich might retire out of sheer embarrassment.
There you have it—the definitive list for 2025. Argue with your friends, scream at your podcast hosts, or tweet angrily at me. That’s what makes this fun.