Thinking that I’ve overstayed my welcome on this planet

I’m not scared to die, it’s just what i leave behind that frightens me. But it’s also MY life and I’m the one that has to live it.

An ex sent me something about how like 13 years ago she felt as if i had been abusive and messed her up emotionally. This 1) ruined the pretense that we actually had a loving and meaningful relationship and 2) made me feel like SHIT. I was only 18 and had no proper view of what love looked like, i never hit her or yelled and always tried to make her smile. Maybe i was shit and am a shitty person

Either way i spun out all day at work pretending nothing was wrong and immediately popped 2 ambien and 3 klonopin when i got home just to calm down. I’m thinking of writing letters to the ones that I’ll be leaving behind and instruction for a quick and uneventful cremation to leave as little hurt as i can, though i know it is selfish. I am gonna be spinning out for a bit from this interaction and now i somehow feel more alone and shittier than i did before.