My broke my mom’s heart by telling her I’m never having kids

To preface, I’m an only child and was adopted. It was my mom’s dream to have a big family but (edited for context) *she couldn’t conceive so they paid a lot of money for international adoption. She wanted a second child but they couldn’t afford it and ultimately my dad said no and that door was closed.

I have no trauma from my mom. I had a “normal” upbringing. I truly love my mom and she’s the kindest and most selfless spirit. We are very close.

We had heart to heart talk recently and the topic of kids came up. I know my mom isn’t owed to know my reproductive decisions, but I was ready to be open and wanted her to listen/understand and to keep her expectations down. I spoke calmly and told her my reasons. She listened and respected me, but her heart still broke and she teared up because she had wanted to be a grandmom and she really enjoyed raising me. To cope with this new understanding, she asked me to keep an open mind at least. And I as I couldn’t bear to hurt her anymore.. I lied and said I’ll keep an open mind.

I feel so much guilt for hurting her.. but at the same time, I am fully confident in my CF status and nothing she says can change it. I almost wish that I had an innate desire for kids just so she wouldn’t have to feel this pain.. yet I don’t. I hope that she can accept this further as time goes on.

I guess I’m just here to vent and ask if anyone else has had to cope with the guilt. I love my mom, she is like my best friend, and I wish for her happiness. But her happiness won’t come from grandkids. And yes - I know I didn’t have to tell her - but with our close relationship I wanted her to really understand where I’m coming from. She does seem to get it, but of course she still grieves lost dreams of me having a family.