Quick rant, I’m still struggling to let go

It’s been 3 weeks and every evening and morning I am full of anxiety :( I 28(F) can’t stop thinking about my ex (ghoster) 34(M) and I am craving answers. Most nights over the past two weeks I have had dreams involving us talking and so I dread that about going to bed. I really want to message again and ask for closure. Did he have a new girlfriend? Did he just never like me? Did I do something wrong? Why leave me in the dark :( I thought we had a true connection and I just can’t imagine leaving someone you care about and love without an explanation or any communication. I would have done anything for this man. Which makes me feel so so used and like our whole year long relationship was a lie (more info on a previous post) - but honestly he had been so there for me the week before and sent ‘love you’ messages wtf Anyway I only reached out during the first week but called again earlier today and the phone rang but there was no answer. I know I’m making myself look weak by reaching out when his actions are clear but a part of me wants him to know I really do care about him and our relationship, god I’m so messed up. I don’t know how to force myself into closure. I don’t know whether to message him one last time :( But how do you get the balance of anger and sadness and the energy that fuck you I do deserve better in a message. I feel in such a messy place emotionally and nothing is helping. Being around people I know is making me feel so much worse as well. I am struggling to engage or be happy for them and I definitely can’t pretend I’m happy, this is the worst feeling I’ve had, worse than any other breakup. Just being around other people’s lives is making me feel so uncomfortable, is that envy?