I’m such a miserable bitch.

It’s the second holiday season without my late boyfriend. I’m visiting my family across the world. Last Christmas I couldn’t even imagine spending it anywhere besides with his family and visiting his grave on Christmas Day. This Christmas I decided to visit mine and I’m just a terrible person. Everyone is expressing how excited they are to have me over and I just want to be alone. I can’t stop crying. I hardly see my family and know I could suddenly lose them like I lost him but I just don’t wish to spend time with anybody and want to be alone and cry. I’m honestly being a huge bitch. In a week I’m going to visit my extended family including my elderly grandpa and I’m dreading it because they all are so kind to me and I’m just awful. My family met him briefly, extended family never, but they all knew of him during our years together. They feel for me but are not grieving like I am. I’m literally the grinch and feel so overwhelmed. The PTSD flashbacks don’t stop. I seek therapy, I’m on meds, but just can’t fucking be normal. I feel anger at him too for being so trusting and taking that fucking pill that ended his life. But the thing is if he knew that’s how he went, no one would be angrier at him than himself. I miss my life before this. I can’t believe it’s been almost two years since losing him. I really feel like I have no hope. Even surrounded by love, that doesn’t feel like enough. My family deserves so much better.