Antidepressants

I kniw it's somewhat controversial, antidepressants for grief, but I don't give a damn. I'm at my wits end and I'm sure I won't last the year without some kind of chemical support. Unfortunatley, I'm not willing to try therapy. I did when my loss was fresh, and after previous losses and I hated it. Sadly, you can't get a prescription without an eval (understandably, I suppose) and mental health medications aren't exactly OTC. There's also the possibility that I'll either be rejected or have to do therapy alongside medication, which I don't want to do.

There's a bigger problem. I can't trust myself. There are currently no medications in the house, but if there were, I propably would do something I'd regret.

I don't want to get better. I don't want to heal, if that is even possible. I just want to feel nothing.