This Is Not A “Cure”

I have seen an alarming amount of posts and related comments about how getting in to a relationship or getting married will help quell a porn addiction.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Sure, a new relationship is exciting and in the beginning stages it may seem like things are perfect and you are happy. The problem is when these new feelings eventually taper off and things become more familiar instead of exciting. Eventually you’ll have your first conflict in the relationship or point of stress and an addict will go back to how they usually cope. Porn. They’ll be right back in that addiction. Many of us betrayed partners have been married for years and our partners were addicted long before they met us.

For many PAs, their porn use will be unaffected entirely even in the “new relationship phase” because the experience of using porn is NOTHING like being with a real person. PAs have been training for a porn marathon not an actual relationship with a real person that they have to consider and feel for. The two could not be more different in a healthy loving relationship. This presents a lot of problems for addicts because the experience of their new relationship was not what they were expecting.

Porn is controlled. Porn is not emotional. Porn is not intimate. Porn is not about vulnerability. Porn is not realistic or accurate sexually. Porn is easy. Porn is predictable. Porn is FAKE.

Addicts: No one can save you from your addiction but YOURSELF. Learn what recovery looks like. Get the professional help/support you need and utilize all the resources you can. Realize that getting involved in a relationship or making a serious commitment like marriage without your potential partner’s knowledge of your addiction will cause serious harm and trauma that they might not ever recover from. This is also abuse. DO NOT TAKE AWAY THEIR AGENCY!

Partners: You cannot cure them of their addiction with love, commitment or all the support in the world. Marriage is not a cure. Engagement is not a sign of recovery. Learn what recovery actually looks like. You cannot change them. It’s not about YOU. They have to do the work. Let them SHOW YOU they are doing the work. Make sure you focus on YOURSELF and do the work you need to in order to heal as much as you can, if you can. Regardless of outcomes.

There is no easy road or “fast track” to recovery from addiction or healing from trauma. ❤️‍🩹

ADDICTS AND PARTNERS: Invest in yourself. This is the best commitment you can make.