Will I get to hold you?

16w+5d here, pregnancy hasn’t been easy emotionally. I’m one of the “luckier” ones who haven’t puked once since I was pregnant, just a bit of nausea and a lot of fatigue. But ever since we found out about the pregnancy it has been nothing but worry. During my FTS scan the doctor said that baby’s heart looks like its not forming well, but because it’s too small they couldn’t conclude anything. OSCAR shows a 1/400 chance of Down Syndrome (DS), then a week later the chances dropped to 1/10,000 (yay) with Harmony. Then during 15-week scan the doctor said that the heart was indeed not growing well - the right valve is smaller than the left, and it seemed like the blood was flowing in the opposite direction that it should be. Basically, baby’s got Hypoplastic Right Heart Syndrome (HRHS). Not much information available now, except more waiting - for the amniocentesis results to rule out genetic causes, as well as 20-week scan and consultation with the paediatric cardiologist for more advice. The best case scenario would be that if we give it more time, his heart will grow better. But Likely, if his little heart doesn’t pick up, he’d grow in my belly but wouldn’t be able to breathe once he’s out in the world.

The pregnancy was unplanned, but not unwanted. It kills that I wouldn’t be able to do anything to make a difference. I’ve already started mentally preparing myself if this doesn’t turn out to be viable. Will I get to hold my son, or be frustrated that he cries in the middle of the night?