7 days post-relapse, I have come to realize something

Hey guys, I am currently at 7 days after a relapse and I am trying to make sense of something in my mind. Prior to relapsing, I had almost hit 1 year of sobriety. But what I am realizing is that my mind-set never really changed throughout that year of sobriety.

When I was drinking, I had very low self esteem, self-worth, was always defensive toward my wife, as well as many other things. I continued to see a therapist and a couples counselor but really tried to down-play my drinking (even though it affected my wife and family a lot, not to mention myself). I maintained a mindset and ego that I was okay and drinking wasn't THAT BIG of an issue. I always had some glimmer of hope that I would one day be able to drink again.

I thought the more sober time I accumulated, the safer I was from relapsing. When I went to AA meetings and heard the crazy stories, I would think "see, I'm not that bad". I have never lost a job, been to jail, gotten divorced or lost my kids like a lot of people in AA. So I thought my life was not unmanageable because of my drinking. But the thing I am starting to realize is that my life has been unmanageable the entire time in my own head. My thoughts never sobered up. I may have not been drinking, but I maintained the alcohol mindset. I believe they refer to this as a "dry alcoholic".

This is very difficult for me to type out, as my thoughts are still forming on this. But I would love some feedback. I really do believe that this relapse may have been exactly what I needed. I want my brain to heal. Not just physically, but mentally as well.