My experience of long term service

I’ve just finished almost 7 months of serving as the catering manager at a Goenka vipassana centre in Europe.

It was full of magic and madness. I’m so glad I did it despite all the challenges, it was truly a life changing experience. I learnt a lot about myself from sitting 2-3 hours everyday and being in a stable, safe place centred around an unchanging routine (probably the first time I’ve had stability & routine in my life). The first few months I took it more seriously, being away from technology and practicing sila and becoming centred got me very in touch with my intuition. I was experiencing premonitions from something as ‘small’ as seeing a Jewish man arriving and me having a conversation about the religion with him and another Jew in the kitchen - exactly that happened the next day. To bigger things like seeing my ex from 2 years ago who I hadn’t spoke to or known her whereabouts since our messy breakup on the literal other side of the world, sitting in the dhamma hall with me. 2 weeks later she turned up for her first 10 day and sat in the exact spot she was in my vision. We had a very cathartic conversation full of apology, accountability and metta on day 10. I’m so grateful to dhamma for bringing me that closure and giving me a heads up! I wasn’t at all shocked when I saw her in person.

Over time, I still kept my phone locked away but went on my laptop a lot more. I needed it for the food ordering and kitchen committee stuff but I also used it leisurely. I also dated another server for a few months, breaking my celibacy agreement as an LTS. On a weekend away halfway through I consumed drugs, breaking my sila of harmful intoxicants - although that one is debatable to me as I view mushrooms and weed as plant medicine and I only use intentionally but that’s not a discussion for here. I think me being less committed to the ‘rules’ generally happens whenever I am somewhere for a significant period of time but also I developed doubts about the organisation. Minor things but enough for me to simply find my own way with it. I sat a sattipathana around halfway through which cleared up doubts about my practice, which in turn helped me understand no organisation is perfect and we’re all just trying our best whilst giving selfless service. The dhamma wheel keeps on spinning.

I learnt that the light most definitely attracts the dark. I met a few LTS who I got to know would struggle to survive in the outside world so of course they come to dhamma land. A place to live for free, full of compassionate and patient people who will give them the time of day. One of which burned the rest of us quite badly as she had a convincing facade of being full of metta and looking out for others, turned out she was writing articles about how terrible we all are and telling course servers to read it. She presented herself as catering manager in one of the articles and fabricated (putting it lightly) much of what went on in the server world. She also referred to herself as a version of a well known guru and claimed Mataji (Gonekaji’s wife) was in support of her in spirit. Of course, mental illness but dangerous nonetheless. I didn’t appreciate being told by numerous people that we must understand she’s suffering for her to act this way and all we can do is give metta. Sure, I agree but are we gonna let her off the hook that easily?

I met my fair share of challenging characters. As the catering manager, I was in charge of 95% of the course servers. Getting them trained up in the kitchen and being their go-to for any concerns. Everyone turns up with their baggage and that becomes more prominent over the length of the course as sitting brings up more. It was A LOT. Especially when people wanted to do things their own way and wouldn’t listen to me, i.e go off menu because they felt the dish could do with their personal preference. I couldn’t be everywhere at once and they weren’t children, usually older than me so it was often too late before I realised they went against my guidance. There was a lot of interpersonal dynamics. The daily kitchen meetings were sometimes firey and I felt out of my depth to mediate correctly. I learnt a lot about energetic boundaries and people often opened up to me as time went on and I realised why they acted the way they did. Vipassana taught me this from my first course but it was constantly reaffirmed - we only act ‘negatively’ because we’re suffering.

The best bits were getting to know assistant teachers before and during a course and receiving their wisdom, meeting people from all over the world and learning from them + laughing with them, seeing students on metta day after they had received dhamma. Lastly, receiving dhamma more deeply for myself. I may have not played by the rules but I don’t believe I harmed anyone and the incredible life lessons I got are worth a lot. Don’t ask me what they are - I doubt I could put words to it! I’m still processing a lot of it.

If you get the time, energy and volition - do it.

Be happy, metta.